It seems like anyone, and apparently everyone, is writing their own story about how to properly hunt turkeys these days.
Since most folks are already self-proclaimed experts, I thought I’d pen something for the rest of us: the not-so-silent minority.
I may not take that many turkeys out of the population, but I like to think I at least make them laugh. There’s value in that, even if my freezer disagrees.
Alright, let’s kick things off.
Step 1: Preparation
First things first: you’ll need a bow. Seriously, any bow will do - yes, even a (don't say it) crossbow. Compound, recurve, your kid’s toy, it does not matter. What really counts is confidence, not competence.
Turkeys have incredible eyesight, so blaze orange, right? Absolutely. And hey, why not throw in some reflective sunglasses so they can really spot you?
While you're at it, be sure to turn the brightness and sound on your phone all the way up.
Camo? Camo is for quitters. Real turkey hunters want the turkeys to see them coming so they know who sent them to their maker.
Step 2: Calls
Turkey calls are supposed to sound like hens. But honestly, that’s boring.
Instead, you could experiment with aggressive coughing, yelling “GOBBLE GOBBLE” at full volume, or even blasting turkey sounds from your phone (Bluetooth speaker, max volume, obviously). If you get no answer, he’s just intimidated.
Step 3: Decoy Placement
Now, where should you put your decoy? Directly behind you (for the surprise factor), in a tree (they’ll never expect it), or better yet, just carry it everywhere and lock eyes with every bird. Better yet, be like most waterfowlers I know and change you decoy setup every 20 minutes because thats always why you aren't seeing birds.
No decoys? No problem. Just flap your arms every now and then. Same idea.
Step 4: The Stalk
Traditional hunters will tell you to “sit still.”
Nope.
Turkeys respect initiative. So move constantly. Crunch every leaf in your path, snap sticks, and don’t be afraid to whisper loudly. They make a ton of noise so they will view your chaos as a tribute.
Lock eyes with a tom? Charge him. It will show him who’s boss.
Step 5: Drawing Your Bow
Wait to draw until the turkey is staring straight at you, within five yards, and emotionally judging your life choices. Draw slow, fast, or halfway while doubting yourself.
If he runs off, don’t sweat it. It just means he wasn’t ready for you.
Step 6: Shot Placement
Sure, there are vital zones on a turkey. You could learn about them.
Or just ignore them altogether. You'll have lots of time to carefully aim. And if you miss, the turkey will wait for you to draw again. They're polite like that.
Miss? Just announce, “Let him grow.” (I hear this is a common practice in the deer hunting community.)
Step 7: Recovery
Hit the turkey? Celebrate. Make it loud. Immediately post to social media. No need to actually find the bird. If you lose track of where it went (it happens), just walk confidently in the opposite direction, like you totally meant to.
Didn’t hit the turkey? No worries. Blame the wind (it’s a classic), blame the arrow (maybe it’s just not your day), or maybe the turkey just had an attitude.
BTW, go ahead and leave the success post on social media. No one needs to know your truth.
Step 8: Post-Hunt Reflection
At the end of the day, just remember:
Turkey hunting with a bow is supposed to be about patience, discipline, and precision.
But you somehow avoided all three. There’s a trophy with your name on it waiting for you at Starbucks.
Final Thoughts
Anyone can hunt turkeys the “right” way.
But it takes a special kind of commitment to do absolutely everything wrong, and still walk out of the woods convinced you were this close.
And honestly? You probably were.
After all, we're well past April 1, but turkeys have been making fools out of most of us our entire lives.
Gobble, Gobble. Beeyotches.
Jay Pinsky, Editor, The Hunting Wire & The Archery Wire